In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, God created the ninja in His own image. He gave them dominion over the animals along with the power to be totally awesome and flip out all the time. The ninjii were a pure and proud race for two-thousand years, but soon enough, they were bored and got hooked on D&D, and decided to create ninja sub-classes. Types of Ninjas is an attempt to document all of the ninja sub-classes that have been discovered.
Blinja
Blinjas are ninjas that believe in the holy idol, bling.
Unlike conventional ninja, blinja don't vie toward stealthy assassination. Instead, their primary method of murder is to blind the foe with as much flashy, tawdry objects of adornment as possible. This not only served to perform the aforementioned purpose, but heavy adornment is thought to bring them to the supreme state of blingdom, also known as bling-bling
Most blinjas have guns, but many will stun their foe further by performing the secret art of rap. This is available to but a few of the most elite. The rare, albino blinja capable of perfroming this act is is also known as a whigurre. However, most albinos are born inadequate and live lives of quiet desperation as their normal brothers (as they refer to each other) attain glory.
However, blinjas are not united behind one cause, and their rival factions have led to the murder of many great blinja warriors, including The Smurfs, Batman, and Tuvok.
Clinja
Clinjas are a cross-breed of ninjas and clowns. Clinjas can frequently be found visiting malls, freeways, and smoking it up inside a small Volkswagen.
Approximately 90 clinjas can fit into one Volkswagen Beetle, 70 more than the maximum number of clowns. Clinjas, as the cross-breeds of ninjas and clowns, possess the extraordinary abilities of both races, and combine them to form Super Parties.
During parties, clinjas are a merry, happy species. To the chagrin of many parents, clinjas enjoy sneaking clinjalike into a random child's birthday party by breaking through the skylight on ziplines while honking handheld bicycle horns. Frequent activities include the traditional throwing of brightly colored balls at children. Such balls are known to contain various party favors such as Ricin, VX Nerve Agent, and free AOL software. The clinjas throw their balls with deadly accuracy, causing concussions, blood loss, AIDS, Hepititis B and naturally plenty of laughter, giggles, and screams. Clinja adults and children never cease to enjoy the launch of projectile objects at an audience. Pin the Tail on the Donkey is another favorite game, resulting in only minor injuries in most cases. When Pin the Tail fails to stoke the audience's fervor, however, clinja families bring out the HaHaKatana. It is still unclear whether the aftermath of the HaHaKatana is the result of clinjas' natural hatred for all lesser forms of life, or simply a joke lost in translation.
When a party is over, usually the result of being busted by the cops, or the lack of attached heads, clinjas depart with a ceremonial bow and a flick off a thermal detonator. Many a city block owes the fine maintenance of roads to a friendly clinja clan.
Cyber Ninja
Cyber Ninjas are ninjas who exist completely within computers, as a result of a scientific expiriment involving Optimus Prime and a band of ninjas with lots of fucking awesome gadgets and robotic implants. The entire band volunteered for the experiment, but the "scientist" was actually Oprah in disguise, and wanted to both rid the world of the various ninja clans through elaborate, theatrical means, and achieve total world domination through control of the internet. But the new superweapons turned on her and instead began destroying the internet itself through massive panics(Y2K), bot and virus armies created by poor mind-controlled teens(who grew into adults eventually, of course), and by blackmailing Bill Gates into making his products shittier than they needed to be.
Cyber ninjas can only affect the "real" world by getting high off of virtual kittens, and "jacking off" into the "Theater". Within the Theater, they have many awesome powers, such as the ability to bend soft plastic items, and the even more amazing power to obtain sudden knowledge about the application of high-tech laundry detergent. These are just a few of their many amazing abilities, and all stem from their knowledge that the Theater is really a massive....Theater, used by various clockwork appliances to keep us happy while they suck out our organs to sell. This is Oprah's doing.
Oprah cannot be allowed to possess the Cyberkingdom, and the only way to ensure that she does not is to destroy the entire Cyberkingdom, one byte at a time.Cyber Ninjas themselseves have been nearly hunted to extinction by Oprah and her apprentice Darth Cruise, but the remaining few do what they can.
Minja
A small person, or midget, who happens to be a ninja. Minjas can throw shurikens, then jump on top of it in mid-flight. So they'll hit you in the neck, and then punch you in the face. However, minjas are known to be very deadly, not because of thier fighting techniques and stealth ability, (they can fit ito a pack of gum, jump out, and blow your capillarlies up with their mind), but they are more so deadly due to thier innate cuteness. Minjas are quite cute, but it is unquestionably a bad idea to pick up a minja.
Ninja Monk Angel Nun
"Holy shit, they're only the scariest things since Jedi Pirates."
- ~ Miyamoto Musashi on Ninja monk angel nuns
- The Ninja Monk Angel Nuns (NMAN) are a group of mysterious ninjas that descended from heaven to make God's favorite drinks. They have no comprehensible gender and thus are capable of being a monk and a nun at the same time.
The Ninja Monk Angel Nun leader, Henry Weinhard, is said to have been God's right hand. Literally, His right hand was removed and incarnated into an actual creature.
Their principal weapon is the lethal Nunchaku, made from two steel phalli joined by reinforced rosary beads.
Ninja Pirate
A ninja pirate is the hybrid offspring of a female pirate and a male ninja. Since the ninja pirate is the only ninja sub-class to actually be superior to the original ninjas, some argue that ninja pirates should be considered a ninja super-class. Ninja pirates should not be confused with pirate ninjas, the hybrid offspring of a male pirate and a female ninja, since they are actually inferior not only to ninja pirates, but to normal ninjas as well.
It is speculated that there are about a dozen ninja pirates in existence and they are our certain doom, it is only a matter of time before they kill us all. Only one ninja pirate has ever been positively identified. His name was Vin Diesel, and he was killed only a few minutes after publicly admitting he was a ninja pirate.
Penguinja
Penguinja, or ninja penguins, as they are more commonly known, are some of the most secretive and stealthy ninjas in existence. Some people claim that they don't exist, but that is only because ninja penguins are so good at hiding.
Wearing hoods to disguise their penguin-y appearance, they infiltrate your home while you're out and take up residence in your refrigerator, behind all the moldy leftovers that you're never going to eat. The next time you open your refrigerator, they leap out from behind the Tupperware and kill you using their secret Mad Ninja Skillz techniques. No one knows why they do this. Do they want something belonging to their victim? Are they assassins, hired by an enemy of the victim? Do they simply enjoy killing? Are they on a mission to eliminate people who don't clean out their refrigerators? It is a mystery which, sadly, shall probably remain forever unsolved, since most people who have seen a ninja penguin have not lived to tell the tale.
Skeptical? Beware, penguinja target disbelievers.
The best ways to prevent a Ninja Penguin from killing you are the following:
- Leave an offering of fresh fish with marshmallows on your doorstep.
- Never leave your house.
- Clean out your refrigerator frequently, or, just don't own a refrigerator.
- Buy or build a giant robot with which to defend yourself.
However, none of these are foolproof, and many of these things have proved not to be an obstacle in the face of the penguinja's Mad Ninja Skillz.
Additionally, there's some sort of rubbish mulling about that penguinja aren't mammals. This is an obvious attempt to exclude them from the ranks of ninja by the Walrogues, their primary rivals. The Walrogue promote the idea that penguinjas are actually flightless birds. Penguinjas are not birds and they can fly.
Pinja
A pinja is the offspring of a male pirate and a female ninja. Rather than being superior to ninjas as their close cousins, the ninja pirates, are, pinjas are inferior. In fact, pinjas are the most pitiful of all the ninja sub-classes.
Somehow the abilites of the pirate and the ninja cancel each other out when a male pirate and a female ninja mate, but multiply each others effects when a female pirate and a male ninja mate. Scientists are still trying to explain this phenomenon. A female pinja is called a pinata.
Tasmanian Tiger Ninja
Believed to be involved in Extinction
See: Tasmanian Tiger for further information
Nine Orifice Ninja
Ninja with Penguins at tached to each orifice when striking the ultimate blow.
Werepirateninja
The Werepirateninja is a mysterious mystery. An ancient creature of the modern world, it is afflicted by a curse which came from a downloaded version of the one they put on Princess Fiona in Shrek. You know, one of those day-night things.
During the day the Werepirateninja takes on the form of an ordinary Pirate. But upon sundown flips-out and transforms into a kick-ass Ninja.
Anatomy/Appearance
Werepirateninjas change shape and awesomeness depending upon the time of day. When they change there are usually really good special effects involving an exploding ring of energy.
Moments after the sparklies fade away, the Werepirateninja will often search around frantically, weapon drawn, for the Pirate/Ninja that was just there. If he is in Daytime-Pirate form you may talk to him, though you will likely be plundered or raped.
If he is in Nighttime-Ninja form then I would recommend getting the heck out of there! He's going to flip out and kill you in two and a quarter seconds!!
Total Eclipses
During a total Eclipse, a Werepirateninja will assume the form of both a pirate AND a ninja simultaneously! This results in an epic battle in which only one side will win - and we lose.
Current Research
With the increase in Internet Piracy, downloads of this curse are becomming more common. All Ninjas and Pirates are advised to abstain from downloading until a live specimen can be captured alive and a vaccine produced. Also, when flipping-out and killing hella dudes, ninjas are instructed to use a latex sheath over their katanas and ninja stars.
Debate
There is still some debate as to whether or not the pirate side of a ninja can actually succeed in the total eclipse struggle, since historically the ninja-side has been awesomer than the pirate-side and inevitably defeats the latter. However, due to Le Chatelier's Principle, newer bio-instances of the curse are generating robo-pirates that are coming close to matching the ninja. Be afraid.
The last sight you'll ever see
A NMAN.
An artists rendition of a ninja pirate
Penguinja preparing to FLIP OUT (artist's interpretation)
The horrific transformation casued by a total eclipse