A Ninja Pirate is pretty much everybody's favorite animal. It's like a ninja and pirate mixed, bred for their skills at flipping out and pillaging. More specifically, a ninja pirate is the hybrid offspring of a male ninja and a female pirate. Compare Pirate Ninja, the offspring of a male pirate and a female ninja.
The Origins of the Paradox
A ninja pirate is the ultimate paradox, because ninjas and pirates do not get along. In fact, the two are basically fighting all the time. Nobody has actually seen a real fight between a ninja and a pirate because the sheer power the two unleashed kills anybody within a sixty mile radius. With all this animosity, many people have wondered, "How exactly do a ninja and pirate mate to produce a ninja pirate?" Well, they don't, because pirates and ninjas are mortal enemies.
Ninja pirates were produced synthetically by scientists in a laboratory by combining ninja DNA with pirate DNA. The scientists had to employ a crack team of five hundred Jedi and eight hundred robots to contain the developing ninja pirates and keep them from flipping out, killing everybody, pillaging the lab and stealing all their shit. Even after so many precautions, all of the experiments failed, and each ninja pirate fetus was able to single-handedly kill all five hundred Jedi and destroy all eight hundred robots while still in the amniotic sac.
Where Are They Now?
There are currently half a dozen ninja pirates roaming free in the universe. They are so elusive that the CIA has been unable to even invent a lie about their whereabouts. It is probably only a matter of time before they kill us all and every other form of life in existence.
One comfort, however, is that they cannot reproduce. Because the ninja pirates are hybrids, they are sterile, like mules. This has caused some to falsely hope that all the ninja pirates will die of old age and we will be spared. This will not happen since ninja pirates are actually immortal.
Some thinkers have devised another possible way of developing a ninja pirate, though no one has ever been crazy enough to attempt it. Perhaps if you managed to breed or capture a pure ninja, cause him to have amnesia, and then enlist him on a pirate crew without the crew knowing that he is actually a ninja, then a natural breeding could occur. However, so many things could potentially go wrong with this plan that it is actually considered an elaborate form of suicide.
Known Ninja Pirates
The only ever known ninja pirate was Vin Diesel. Investigators began to be suspicious that he was a ninja pirate when they looked into how he did his own stunts. Diesel tried to convince the public that he wasn't really a ninja pirate by making a pussy movie called The Pacifier, but it was already too late. Embarrassed by tabloid news stories, Vin Diesel decided to publicly admit that he was a ninja pirate. This apparently made the ninja pirates mad, because they killed him sometime in the next two minutes. Nobody knows how they did so, as Diesel's body was never found.
It is also speculated that John Candy may be a ninja pirate. However, he is suspected to be the only ever natural ninja pirate to ever grace the universe, and as such is more powerful even than the artificially created ninja pirates. Suspicion started when it was discovered that even though he is a well known Ninja, pirates still loved to watch him in his movies, something which a pirate would simply not to do a pure ninja, even if they were the funniest person on the planet. See the John Candy article for further details.
Frequently Asked Questions
Very little is known about ninja pirates, so people have a lot of misconceptions about them. Below are a few of the frequently asked questions about ninja pirates.
Do ninja pirates have a parrot?
- Yes, but not the kind of parrot people normally think of. Normal parrots are too flamboyantly colored and loud to serve the ninja needs of the ninja pirate. It would totally wreck a ninja pirates cover to have some obnoxious bird squawk and shout something stupid like, "Polly wants a cracker!" Instead, ninja pirates use a ninja parrot, often called a raven.
Do ninja pirates ride around in boats to pillage?
- No way, boats are soo 19th Century. Boats are way too obvious, you can see them as far as the horizon when they're coming in to plunder. Instead, when ninja pirates need to plunder from the sea, they use submarines, which are way more sweet and stealthy. Ninja pirates are also known to fancy Star Destroyers with invisibility capabilities. When out on the sea, Ninja Pirates like to shack up in their cozy dojo-frigates, meditate, and practice killing the ocean with their minds. On land,they commonly use Metal Gears, M1A1 Abrahms tanks (with ray guns instead of cannons), and 18 wheelers with nuclear reactors for engines. All of them have cloaking shields.
What kind of weapons do ninja pirates use?
- Ninja pirates are capable of using both ninja and pirate weapons, and pretty much every kind of weapon imaginable. Ninja pirates are also able to use ninja pirate weapons. These weapons are a unique blend of a ninja and a pirate weapon. One of example of this kind of weapon is the ninja pirate starrr. Ninja pirates often use two swords at once. They do so because it's really badass to begin with, and also because they are using both a pirate sword and a ninja sword. Sometimes instead of a pirate sword they use a hook over their hand. Hooks are also really badass, and pirates use them when they need to step up the intimidation factor.
Do ninja pirates wear an eye patch?
- Yes.
How is it they get their eye poked out?
- Bruce Lee did it.
What happens if two ninja pirates fight?
- As far as we know, this has never happened. Nobody can tell what would happen, because of the two properties that make ninja pirates so powerful: (1) their unavoidable, infinitely powerful attacks, and (2) their impenetrable defense. Nonetheless, two theories have been proposed about what would happen if two ninja pirates got into a fight. The first theory is that they wouldn't be able to hurt each other, because both have the impenetrable defenses. The second theory is that the universe would be destroyed, because the ninja pirates infinitely powerful attacks would keep getting stronger until the forces that hold our universe together gave out.
An artists rendition of a Ninja Pirate
The Ninja Pirate logo is a combination of the yin yang and the Jolly Roger
Monkey Ninja Pirate vs. Monkey Clinja
The Ninja parrot, more commonly known as the Raven
The ninjastarrr, a classic Ninja Pirate weapon